Yesterday I felt like I wanted to die. I didn’t ever want to compete again. Not sure why it sucked so much.

Today is pretty rough too.  No amount of caffeine can get me through the day.   It’s hard to imagine life beyond Saturday.  It just seems like total FREEDOM.  My time will be freed up, I can eat what I desire, I don’t have to workout as much.  WOW.  I’ll have my energy back?  What’s that? 

Yup. Today is rough. I had a lymphatic massage today and my abs did well with it!! Hope Friday continues to be even better 🥰🔥🙌

I just f-ing bawled my eyes out after my cardio session & listening to Emily Whiteside.  I’m broken. I’m tapped out. I’m tired of missing out on family time.  I’m tired of feeling like I’m missing out on life. 

Asking my body to do anything is so much effort right now.  I just want to be done.  I want this to be OVER.  

I went to stretch and took several deep inhales and exhales and as she was finishing up her fb live, I just bawled. 

I thought “I did it; it’s over (for today).” Tapped out is the only word that comes to my head right now.  There is nothing more for me to give. 

I’m done dragging my ass, making myself do things I don’t want to do, fighting with myself.  I hallucinate about Oreo truffles or eating anything off the menu. I SOO appreciate condiments, fruit, non green veggies, shakes, some sugar, certain carbs.  

I know now that we live in a society where there’s an ABUNDANCE of incredibly nutrient rich foods. I used to feel like I may never see the food in front of me ever again, so this is my ONLY CHANCE; MUST EAT IT NOW.  And then I paid sorely for it overnight and the next day. 

I’m ok with trying a bite or 2 of something.  If it doesn’t taste good, or I’m satisfied, it’s OK to stop. I can save it for later or give away.